(After reading my friend Buffy's latest post, I decided to haul a work out of the closet. I wrote a book titled MA in 1999 in my daughter's voice, as though the story was her view of life with me. It was actually a complicated attempt to apologize for the parts of me that had been so painful to her.)
Ya know, thar's a differ'nce 'tween quiet an' silence.
After a day of errands an' shoppin', Ma'd say, "All right now, I need some quiet!" She'd go off to her bedroom an' I'd head to mine.
I liked thet time. I'd stand in front of the mirror an' look at how much I wuz growin' up. An' I'd think on all the doin's of the day an' how differ'nt I wuz gonna be when I wuz a ma.
I knew when Ma said she needed quiet thet her nerves wuz in a knot from traffic an' noise. Shoppin' with her warn't much fun. But when she'd come out from her quiet time, she wuz generaly calmed down an' a bit more sweet.
So, quiet wuz all right.
It wuz the silence thet loomed cold like poison gas thet I grew to jest 'bout hate.
Like after Gran'pa died, it seemed real silent. No more piano or help with my math problems.
Then, thar wuz thet long silence 'tween Ma an' her middle sister. Ma never said a lot aginst her. I liked my aunt - she wuz thet real lovey-dovey sort. But thet's how three-year -olds sees thangs!
The worse silence is 'tween Ma an' her mama. Ma often looks at me sad-like an' says, "I kin see so much of Gran'ma in ya."
Sometimes, I wonders what it is thet gits people so tied up on thar insides thet they seem to stop lovin' thar own flesh an' blood.
Ma's tol' me a hundrid times, if'n she's said it once, "Girl, I will always love you, no matter what you done - I might git mad, but I'll always love you an' you kin always come back home to me an' yer daddy."
Thet's how I love Ma, too. She's been perty testy sometimes, an' I've been mad at her, but I guess I wanna give her what she ha'n't seemed to git from her own mama.
Thar is somthin' peaceful 'bout the quiet. Ya know in yer heart thet ever'one is jest restin'. When I go off to keep my own house, I don't want no silent times.
'Specialy 'tween me an' Ma.
April 2, 2006
silence
at 3:19 PM
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18 comments:
Felt really lousy one day. Said to Jax "Dad's havin' a kip for an hour or so. Keep it down you lot" (She had 3 friends round). Never heard a peep out of them. Heard lots of music at 20 decibels but they danced quietly so that's ok then....
Some of my family don't talk to me - not my choice. I think they're embarrassed at a 48 year old rebel.....screw 'em. I've got Little Caz n Jax. Do for me.
WOW! I hesitate to say more. Don't want to disturb the volume in this piece!
Diane
Despite the fact some of the words were a little hard to understand, the message of the story was clear. I guess when you're a kid, it's hard to understand why parents do the things they do, but I think if they explained themselves, the way you did, it would be easier to get along with them...dont you think?
Hang in there HG. The world'll turn your way. Trust me. I know these things.
Blogs show a bit of peoples personalities. The way they are. Good people get good stuff in the end.
You will.
'Sides, the Big Guy knows I'm not on side so he doesn't want to be 'sharin' an understandin' with me regardin' HG does he?
Not that he's goin' to be listenin' to the likes of me but I'll get Little caz n Jax to put a word in.......
Sale imminent!!!
Just checked 'Offer' again. Your's is a babe too. It's in the genes. Jax takes after Little Caz fortunately!!!
DT,
I made so many mistakes with her. I knew she knew it. Why hide and pretend? So, I am one of those out with it people. Like just admit I totally screwed up and no excuses, no justification, I was wrong. And how sad that my choices caused her so much pain and confusion.
We are close today. Really have always been close. She is very forgiving. Making mistakes helps that!
4D, your family is missing out. Sorry they can't get past the package, cause they are sure missing a jem! Don't hurl, please!!
PFYP Thanks!!
I think we all think we are lousy mothers no matter what we do. Nothing is perfect, but having a parent who is prepared to say sorry means a lot, because some people never hear their mum and dad say it. Being perfect is not what kids expect, but loving them enough to say sorry is worth a lot.
BTW - I need a new hairstyle - do you have any good online hairstyling pages with nice pictures I can show my stylist??? I need some ideas. Long hair. Think I would like it layered. If only you were HERE I could hire you :)
D,
Will have salon website later - does not help you now!
You can do a lot with long layers. Flat, straight, the new loopy wavy curl, ponytail, etc.
I do a cut, the "Star" cut. I actually draw a star on top/crown of head and cut that section about 7-9" long, using my thinners so it is very shredded on ends. Also do interior texturizing so you can get a nice height when you want.
Then, on the rest of the hair, with the Star pinned up out of the way, I take huge vertical sections and slice out some layering so it lightens up but is still nice and thick on the bottom.
I would suggest a long diagonal fringe from an angled side part. Have part far to side at forehead, angling back to center of head at back of part. That keeps the weight distribution of the hair even so you don't have a thin side and a way thick side.
Texturize the cheekbone lengthed fringe on the ends so it is not too heavy to stay to the side. Use some Sebastian Mud on them to keep them over w/o having that gloppy hairspray feeling.
And angle/shred around your face so it is not heavy and droopy!
Wish I had a photo, but can you kind of picture what I am saying?
The star lets you have that great sexy height, volume when you want it, but you can wear it flat, too. Pretty when you pull it back in a pony b/c then with that little crown poof, it is more feminine and spicey!
Okay, take this hair Rx to your stylist!!
Hi and please accept my deapest thanks for your kind words. I have to run but i would love to read your blog, it looks wonderful....I'll be back asap. Many thanks again.
Such lovely words, them. I wish my daugher could read them. I've said I'm sorry so many times that I think I put ideas in her head. She doesn't speak anymore to me and the darkness between us is like one of those deadly mudslides off the mountains, and I don't know what caused it. Your perspective is so wise, so tender, so thankful, because you know what it is like to lose your mom. These generations never cease to turn.........that of women, so mysterious, so blood-deep, so binding, yet sometimes so painful and/or wonderfully blessed.
quite a way to say i'm sorry...i wish everyone could be so honest about saying those 3 little words that open the doors to healing...you and your daughter will have the opportunity to write a different type of book in your future and that is a wonderful opportunity...good luck to you both.
Thanks. Erm, I'll just goto the lady and tell her I want a star on my head?? :P
I loved this. More more!!
Seeing things through a child's eyes is such a 'true' way of seeing.
My work in progress (that I am determined to complete by year 30, i.e. August) is narrated in the first person. That person is 7 years old in a good portion of the book. It's a really difficult 'angle' to get. Not at all easy to find your rhythm...at least it wasn't for me. You seem to have done it effortlessly.
Children make us see ourselves more clearly, don't they?
And the language, the voice .... I understood it perfectly.
I really enjoyed reading this...
Although I'm not a parent, I hope to be one day. I was thinking back on how I use to "hate" my mom in kiddy terms. Sure, there were things that she did that pissed me off, but in defense of the parent I have to say that being a child means that the child has a lot of growing up to do and alot of values to learn like unerstanding, honesty, love, the fact that people make mistakes and some many others I could be listing things all day...I guess my point is that I wouldn't trade my mom for the world. She still pisses me off sometimes, but I am older now and have learned the lesson of accepting and loving people for who they are. Luckily for my mom I was able to realize this so I'm not quick to "hate" her because I don't agree with her. I could have just as easily belligerent and let her ways affect me.We are all people on a journey, whether your role is child or adult NO ONE is perfect. It's not the parent's fault for not being perfect(if their intentions are true), and it's not the parent's fault that the child hasn't learned to be forgiving and understanding of that...
and thanks for listening to my music! I'm so glad you like it...We have a four song EP that is being mastered as we speak so it will be available soon...Complicated is the first song on the EP. More samples will be on MYSPACE in a coulple of days... keep in touch and let me know if you want a copy:)
I'm sure you were and are a better mom than you think, which is why you are able to have such a close relationship with your daughter now:)
Been in the doghouse HG - 'specially with D. Just popped over for a chill. Got to control this temper. Re-read a bit. Chillin' again. Sorry. Ta.
but u hadda chance 2 fix it with ur girl...
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