furious

So, why would anyone reject or do her wrong?
A fierce love I have for her and she has for me.
She has stood by me in my worst and best times.
How can I not stand with her?

I have really not liked my blog for a while.
I used to have some posts that I actually enjoyed re-reading myself.
I have felt uninspired, flat and self-centered.

How boring is that?
Been wanting to have some happy, funny,
insightful stories. . . kind of a gift back to all my blog friends.


Splat. Not tonight.

I debate writing my true feelings
for fear of repercussion.
This is really about how I am dealing with life
more than what I am dealing with.
(So, for any of you who are local friends,
don't even ask me about this post.
I won't discuss it. Period.)

I am angry, furious, disappointed, deflated, raging.
A non-family person who has a place of leadership in my life,
or could have some leadership, just trampled on my trust.
It hurt my dot and that brings out the mama BEAR in me.
Don't you mess with my young-un.

I cannot do a thing to change the situation.
I cannot injure my own career over it.
I just have to keep my mouth shut,
take it and learn to live with it.
Talking about it does no good.
I was already assured what just happened would not happen.
We are as reliable as our word. . .

I have to face that my hopes for this relationship
will never be realized.
I have to keep a guarded heart, mind my own business,
forget about work being a team with a real leader. . .
all this is so opposite of me.
I love projects and jumping on board
and giving extra time and effort and heart.
They may as well have run a front-loader into my chest cavity.

This is not the first time.
I have recovered from many disappointments from this same source.
I come back to hope. . . I nurture their crumbs of change and hope
that one day we will dine
on the bread of mercy and mentoring, present leadership.
Oi, I am such a sucker.

No, I just don't know how to give up.

Which is why I can get up every day for the past eleven years
and keep working when my back is killing me.
It is why I am still married.
It is why a year before she was dying,
Mother and I had a miraculous reconciliation
after years of estrangement.
It is why I won't quit believing that TT's dot
from his first marriage will one day come back to us.

Damn. It would hurt a lot less if I could just give this one up.