What is wrong with me?
Anxious, agitated, restless, lonely, scared. . . unsettling.
I feel empty spiritually. I wish I got more phone calls from friends (especially now that I have a new Treo 650 Smartphone!) and then I had this disturbing thought.
I used to call on God a lot. I had conversations with Him off and on all day and night. Now, the only time I talk to Him is when I want something or am scared about something. Oh, I still pray for my friends and give thanks for my food.
But I don't commune with Him like a trusted confidante. So, if I don't call Him, why would He motivate others to call me? And what do I have to give? Where has that strong faith gone? It seems to have evaporated like the morning dew under the blaze of the noon sun.
I have this fear of being a judgemental zealot, obnoxious and self-righteous, loathing of sinner's sinfulness. So, I have distanced myself from the Bible, from Christian music, from prayer, really from Him. I am not happy in this state. Empty, shallow with nothing to offer those suffering around me.
I fail at loving TT. I am impatient and selfish, hiding away in my office, over my lappy or my dumb (!!) phone or my organizing projects. How lonely he must be. We used to have these great times of spiritual communion where together we would marvel at the faithfulness and love of God.
We both are shut down, discouraged, disgruntled and self-medicated. Him with food and TV, me with projects and alcohol.
O God, help me return to You, help me find You again, help me love You the tender way I once did. I am so bored with being in my own company.
So, why would anyone else seek me out?
September 11, 2006
Empty
at 6:07 PM
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13 comments:
Hey sweetie, Don't be too down on yourself. This time of year, with the decreasing sunlight, really can do a number on our emotions.
You are a great friend and if I had your number, I would call you in a heartbeat.
Moving away from being judgmental, and self-righteous is the way to go (not saying you are though)! We are all here on this earth as partners in life. Why make it more difficult by throwing sand in the cogs of the machine? This is something I struggle with daily, so you are not alone. Just know that heading in that direction is the right path and you'll be rewarded hundred-fold.
One more thing...
I'm sending you tons of peace, love, and serenity vibes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~HUGS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my heart breaks for you both right now. it breaks for i know exactly what you are writting about. it's no exageration for me to say that i have said/thought/felt those exact words, execpt for the loving TT bit..although i think he is a wonderful guy i am not in love with him, ;p, okay my attempt to make you smile..sorry..i do mean what i say, i do take your words seriously. i love you and if i a sinner, all wrong and mess up can do so i can guarantee you that Our Lord loves you even more. He sees all our sins, our accomplishments and all that we could be, all our mistakes and dissapointment and He still loves us dearly. Forgives us. Needs us. Wants us. Cherish us...He is not far away..it is us who sometimes drift but not far my angel..for someone who didn't really care or love God wouldn't be asking the questions you ask. these days are emotional charged, with so much 9/11 talk. with the memories and all the evil around us, it is easy to get down. also, you both have come down from a magical vacation. after such highs it is common to feel down. i know, i have had many rough wks after my visit to Miami..i was pretty down, suffocating and not knowing how to get out..i thought i even need a different med, that my prozac was not enought again...i don't know why it happens but it does..i can see it now..
every soul goes through question times with God...the beautiful part if that He is all patient and waiting always for us to find our way..Don't be afraid you are not lost and your soul is still His. He loves you. He is right there with you.
Hi Hattigrace,
I have bee in this state as well, and the thing that helped me during this dark period, is to be totally unselfish and becoming an open vessel of generosity.
Be generous ... in giving love, in forgiving others and forgiving yourself. And you find peace and meaning in your life.
Do something to someone without thinking of getting something in return. Just do it for the sake of making another person or a child live or grow!
My best wishes for you!
I would.
You are living in one of the most spiritually alive towns that I know. What you are feeling is disconnected but you are not. You can never be seperated from HIS love. P cola was the first time I ever heard God speak directly to me. So I did what the prophets did..I ran! But where ever I ran..HE was there. So be at peace and know that he is there with you. Someday maybe I'll share my P Cola story with you. As for the hair thingy...A woman's hair is her crowning glory...YOU help her shine. Continue in your ministry.
Nobody is ever truely alone lady.
oh hattigrace, you don't know how God shines through you. don't let your humanness get you down. i think only God can do the work in us to make us more like Him, as earlthy bound we are "grounded" and can not yet fly on angels wings freely. That you see these things in yourself is a sign that you are in tune with Him. He is all around you - the beauty in Costa Rica, in your serenely decorated shop, in your daughter, in your words themselves, take a short drive over the GB bridge and look around you - His creation embraces you with a love song of life.
I know you long for that sweet communion - I know what that is. I find it sometimes - more often the past few months - but I too in my head sense a dial that wants to shut off and blank out when I start to pray...
And yes, the earth our world is jangled now, anxious, violent, full of fear - we are feeling something from some great spiritual war - what is on earth is a manifestation of the heavenlies - maybe the end time is coming - maybe a new legion of devils is loosed - maybe -
and your treo makes you the adorable you, the phone, the "now" edge you have, the computer - your tool to mold words as you mold hair, God gives us patient TT's and Chuck's because, honey, we's cut out of our own unique mold ....we're wild, powerhouse, creative, passionate women!
May the light of God through His son, Jesus, shine upon your head now, and may you feel that warmth go through your body, and tingle your fingers and toes, may your brain synapses sparkle with a million lights of God's love firing them, may your heart swell as His Spirit wraps you and indwells you anew! AMEN!
Everything takes effort doesn't it? Our marriages, our friendships, our relationship with God. Its easy to get lazy. Not to worry, no condemnation...He is there...waiting for us to turn to Him...its that easy and you know it is. We all struggle with our own fears and complacency...He knows....just turn...turn to Him...His yoke is easy...other things will get their just attention when we turn to face Him. Prayin for you sister...
Hey Hattigrace, I believe that every feeling you have, is a feeling given to you by God/Source/Spirit, and it has a purpose in your life. How can you truly understand great love, or great spirituality, or great patience or any number of "positive" emotions, if you haven't truly experienced the opposite? In fact, that's how we're made, and this place you're in is a gift - it will lead you somewhere more beautiful than the last...and if that's the case, then there can be no negative emotions, can there?
(((hattieg))))
Ahh, sweetie, I love you.
Your daily bread.
Your living water.
We need them to survive.
I feel so empty when I don't take the time to fill up! I relate!
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