confession

It has been a long time. Spending this time with the Lord revealed some dirty spots in my heart.

I went to 8:00 a.m. Mass yesterday and then to confession with Father Mercy. He spent over an hour with me. His insights were breathtaking.

Some I will keep private. One I must share.

I have this tendency to beat myself up a million times for my sins and errors. I have heard people say that to me. I thought they just did not understand my need to take seriously my wrong ways.

Father Mercy said the same thing. Then in his broken English,

"Haydi, do you realissse tha' God does not even remember your sins?"

"I weel proof it to you from thee Bible."

"Many preachers an' priests use thee Old Testament to make people feel guilty, then point to thee collection plate," he shook his head sadly.

"Thees eez not church, thees eez a business. It eez so wrong."

"Thee Old Testament eez only thee beginning of thee revelation of God. Thee New Testament eez thee fullness of revelation, as Jesus said, 'I have come to fulfill thee Law, I am thee better Covenant'."

"But, eef you look, you will see thee grace of God in thee Old Testament."

Then he told me how the prophet Jeremiah first told the Israelites they were adulterers for following after false gods. It took thirty chapters of God chastising them for their unfaithful, hard, prideful, deceiving hearts for them to repent.

But, they heard Him finally and they returned to their first love, the One True God.

In chapter thirty-one, the same prophet addressed the same people, "Again I will restore you and you shall be rebuilt, O virgin Israel. . . "

"You know, Haydi, an adulterer can never become virgin again. God FORGOT their sin and called them Virgin."

He reminded me of the parable of the Prodigal Son and how the father never referred to his sins, but restored him and gave him all the best of his house.

"And remember thee prostitute tha' Jesus renamed Mary? She never again was a prostitute in His eyes, so much so that she was thee first He revealed Himself to from thee grave."

"So, you see Haydi, you have confessed your sins and He has forgiven you. But more, He has FORGOTTEN. You are Heez daughter."

Oh, my penance? "When your back hurts, offer it up to Jesus an' thank Him for Heez mercy."

Something of the mercy and grace of my Father moved from my head to my heart. Though men never forget my sins and some never let me off the hook, I stand before the Mercy Seat of God a virgin daughter.

Why have I waited so long to go to confession?

P.S. Doing my own research and just found in Hebrews, in a discourse on how the New Covenant makes the Old Covenant obsolete, 8:12 "For I will forgive their evildoing and remember their sins no more." I have had a warped concept of God. He IS MERCY.