arms

I took a walk today. Had a talk with God. Our reading from Matthew (If you forgive men their transgressions,your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you do not forgive men,neither will your Father forgive your transgressions. ) made me look at the condition of my heart.

Who did I hold hostage with unforgiveness? My ex-son-in-law (to be), my father, the insurance company and finally(gulp), my daughter for marrying the guy.

As I walked, I surveyed my own life. My newest ex-son-in-law is a tortured soul. He is not a believer, has no access to faith, had a rotten upbringing and a very skewed view of family and relationships. Who knows what I would have turned out to be with his start in life? How could I judge him? How could I hold him hostage to unforgiveness? How Christian was it of me to slander his character? I was able to release him and really pity his frantic, panickeded state.

My father was an atheist, a troubled man who grew up in a violently disfunctional home. I faulted him for his insecurities and fears which shaped his reactions to life. Like I was not guilty of the same? I walked, talked to God and with each step saw I was no better than he.

The insurance world is without vision, lost in protecting their investment, no access to the mercy of God, grasping to gain earthly riches. Each insurance representative I have spoken with is just a part of a system they did not create, trying to bring home their paycheck. They personally are most likely kind, caring people, with no control over the policies of the company they work for. How could I revile them?

My daughter was formed by my failings. She was patterned in the valley of my darkest days and the height of my greatest days. I instilled in her my worst and my best. I embodied many mixed messages. Why would I think she would surface unscathed? Her choices are hers. But whose journey has she followed? As flawed and failing as I am and have been, what were her chances to walk an untroubled life?

So, I was able to forgive all. From the bottom of my heart.

I was left with me. Me alone, before my Father. How many times have I come to Him, whining about my life, stained and toxic with my judgments? How could I see clearly when I only judged others and was blind to my own condition?

If I could climb up in the lap of my Father, have Him wrap His arms around me, rest my head on His chest, I realized all I would be able to say is,"Thank You, thank You, thank You, for all You have given me, for all You have provided me, for fifty years of Your faithful love and provision."

If I even began to say, "I am sorry for. . . . . ," I know He would say, "For what, because I see you through the forgiving fount of the spilt blood of My Son. I do not see your sins. I see you as my beloved daughter, the one who continuously comes to Me, loving Me, seeking Me. . "

I wept for my lack of trust in the One who has always provided for me and loved me. I continued my walk on this beautiful spring day. The Country Estate has not sold. The insurance money has not come in. My husband is not making money. I have deep debt from the wedding and a million bills (and too much shopping). My second business is in the baby stage. Nothing in this realm has changed.

Nothing but my heart. The heart newly attached to my Father. Safe in His loving arms.

It is now well with my soul. Safe and trusting in His loving arms.